Monday, 30 November 2009

my podgy pregnancy

well its official! i am pregnant, doctor has confirmed it and my heart rate has returned to a normal beat. right here's where the maternal instinct will kick in . . . . . . wont it?

now i have no intent to insult anyone but what is it with some pregnant women? walking round with a self satisfied slightly vacant look on their faces, I'm not saying they should be wearing gypsy skirts and hugging trees or anything but is the earth mother persona really necessary?

as you may have noticed and could possibly guess i did not find pregnancy a wondrous experience. i found it to be highly irritating! now before all you earth mothers raise your hands in disgust and choke on your herbal teas, i in no way resented my growing bump, i just found it to be inconvenient. i grew very large very quickly and found the waddling breathlessness and uncomfortable sleeping arrangements to be extremely disconcerting! now i wont say i didn't have any fun during the pregnancy, i began aqua natal classes with two equally pregnant friends and it was hilarious! special classes for pregnant women that to the outside world must have looked comically like a group of hippos attempting to ballet dance in water! I'm sure there was an advert a few years back to do with dancing hippos though for the life of me i cant think what it was for, yogurt maybe? anyway I'm loosing my thread here, where was i? oh yes, the kicks.

the very first kick did bring a tear to my eye as it was during a very loud rendition of dazed and confused by led zeppelin. i thought this baby has amazing taste in music and its not even born yet! that was the first time i actually thought of the foetus as an actual person, a real human being, a child that was going to be completely dependant on me. wow! back to panic, raised heart rate, thumping headache and holy crap! yes i was still behind the wheel! concentrate jill! your driving for gods sake!

after that, the kicks became stronger and more frequent and instead of rubbing my bump and standing with a glazed look in my eyes, i would sit down and clutch my belly in pain! my insides became her own personal playground. my bladder was her trampoline, my kidneys became her punch bags and my rib cage turned into a free for all of punches and kicks! ouch! ouch! ouch! how on earth do people find that enjoyable!

then just as i thought i had been pregnant all my life and i couldn't remember ever not having to lug this giant bump round with me, my due date arrived and at 5 mins past midnight i had what i thought was a dose of cramp. swearing to myself i turned over in bed expecting the pain to subside which in all fairness it did, until 3 mins later and then there was another then another then another. i lay there for an hour watching the clock, cramp like pains every 3 mins, hmmmm what the hells going on? I'm not in labour! it doesn't happen that quickly! errrm, does it? i woke russ and phoned the hospital asking 'what the hell is going on?' well i was a little more polite than that to be honest but you get the idea. i was told i was probably having a practice so to go have a bath. a practice! A PRACTICE! oh hell no! why would i need to practice to be in pain?

being a good girl though i did do as i was told and went and sat in the bath. that did NOT help! russ, Ruussssss, RUUUUUSSSSSSSS! hospital NOW! by 3 in the morning i was waddling across the hospital car park stopping every 2 mins to cry out and double up in pain! russ rather sensibly and to his credit kept quiet and just left me to it. (i do take independence and stubbornness to new unbelievable levels!) stretching an arm out to the nearest midwife i handed over my notes while huffing and puffing like a geriatric pig. she reads them and comments on my desire for a water birth. this is when i state rather breathlessly that the bath didn't reduce my pain so i had come to the conclusion that the birthing pool would not be of much assistance to me. i was then told "well its not a miracle cure dear!" ok thank you, you sarcastic c*w! now where is the drugs!!?? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Sunday, 29 November 2009

from sexy singleton to cuddly couple

hmmmm, well where do i start? maybe the beginning, usually the best and most expected place.

right well i must admit to having the maternal instinct of a tree! i did not want to settle down have the two point four and behave like a helpful upstanding member of the community. my life involved working hard and playing hard, having absolutely no time for anything else at all.

then totally unexpectedly arrived 'the one'. yes that's right. the one everyone says you will meet someday, the one that surprises you by being right under your nose, the one that no matter how hard you try gets under your skin and you stop being a selfish cow and realise you can share your feelings, (you know and other sentimental stuff like that.) in one fell swoop i had gone from sexy singleton to cuddly couple and i must tell you though it does pain me to say it, i enjoyed every single minute of my transformation.

having adjusted to my new life as respectful thoughtful twosome and loving all aspects of life. out of nowhere came a monumental breathtaking and very disturbing discovery - H**y S**T!! im pregnant! the twosome was becoming a threesome, we hadnt planned for that! i was on the pill! oh my god! pacing the floor over and over and over again! heart beating uncontrollably! i phoned russ who was at work.

as i could hardly speak from fear and hardly hear from the beating in my chest i slowly began to tell russ the news, fully expecting the same panic stricken reaction. now russ is known for his laid back attitude but his answer astounded me 'oh thats interesting!' was all he said! now i just stood there dumbfounded. did he not hear me? maybe he thought i was joking? how could he be so calm?!!

i could go on all day about the following discussions, will we wont we? what if this, what if that? just take it from me that we talked about this . . . a lot! then making the decision to go ahead all i could think was OH MY GOD im going to be a mum! me! a mum! what on earth was i going to do with a child! oh well here goes, i can do it, sorry we can do it. we shall be the best, most loving, firm but fair parents ever in the world . . . . . . . . . . .