thoughts in my head and the speed of light

its been two weeks and i haven't lost a thing! i began my diet with my usual gusto and determination and after only two weeks i am on the verge of giving up! i set up another blog to note my daily 'battle of the bulge' and even started two groups, one on facebook that now has 15 members and another on british mummy bloggers that has 8 members. two of the members on facebook have lost a decent amount of weight already and i am so proud of them. but me, nothing! maybe i should stop trying so hard and just let it happen on its own? the baby is going to be crawling before i know it and running around after her will probably help, but that does mean putting up with a body i hate! i really mean that! i hate myself at the moment! i have huge mirrors in my bathroom and i cant stand looking at myself getting in and out of the bath! yes yes i know that looks aren't everything and its whats inside that counts. however when you hate your outside how can you love your inside?

i am extremely good at pretending im fine. in fact i have always thought that a career in acting should have been the way to go for me. i can be bright and breezy, fantastic and funny, sunny and smiley, laughing all the way. i can pick you up, make you feel better, listen to all your worries, convince you the world is a wonderful place and you will know life is worth living. to the outside world i am happy, contented and full of hope, dreams and good thoughts. behind closed doors comes a stark reality. i sit on my own playing with the baby, she makes me smile and that is a real smile. one that only she can summon in me. its just me and her and i am truly happy. then she goes for her nap and i am on my own. alone and thinking. always thinking. my mind roles on and on and on continually creating these great ideas turning them into dreams and then i fail, miserably. maybe i should really keep this to myself but i have to let it out somehow . . . . . . inside i am dying!

my next project is to study a degree. i need something to occupy my mind, something to focus on. being so down at the diet failure, i have thrown myself into looking up information, booking myself on courses and ramming as much information as i can in to my head. this is not a whim as i have been thinking of this for a while. though now i have the determination of a dog with a bone! i will not let go! i have to work fast. i have to concentrate. i must not let anything distract me from my latest dream! if i do, i may fail! again! i know im pushing myself too hard and at some point i am going to have to stop, but as usual the rational part of my brain has become completely redundant. at the mercy of the other side, the dark side, the side that will never stop, never rest and never ever see that's its ok to slow down! even as i write this i am typing at a hundred miles an hour, the only things moving faster are the thoughts in my head and the speed of light!

what was i on about?

its monday morning and im having a pajama day again. the guilt i used to feel about being too lazy to get dressed is long forgotten and i am comfortable in my cosy dressing gown and over sized fluffy socks. the baby is snoring away contentedly and the last two days of hellish behaviour seem to be over, for now at least.

the house is in severe need of a dusting and the hoover really should be taken out of storage but errrrm, well, the thing is, errrr . . . oh sod it! i don't need to find an excuse. i just cant be bothered! i was bought a wii fit for christmas and i really should get on that and try to rectify the obese mii status that i have been given by that helpful little machine. but, yes you guessed it. i cant be bothered! what is it about my personality that makes me prefer to moan about my weight than actually do anything about it? why do i sit on the sofa tutting to myself about the state of the house while doing nothing about it? in the time it takes me to write this i could have lost a few pounds, had some fun and tidied up the house. instead i am sitting on my ever increasing arse, staring at a dusty computer screen bitching about myself, my life and my house!

any male readers are probably thinking 'typical woman' and in all fairness they are probably right. the female of the species are full of contradictions, confusions and craziness and i will admit that i am extremely skilled at all three! don't feel sorry for russ he loves it, honestly he does! no man wants a woman who does not keep him on his toes. men by nature lose interest easily and so a little female quirkiness is just the thing to keep them from getting bored. it also means that they have something to rant about over a pint or two in the pub. oh yes, do not be fooled. men revel in competing with each other about who's got the most demanding missus! even if they don't have anything to moan about, they make it up in order to keep up with the typical stereotype of 'her in doors!' i promise you its true! though they will deny it to the death. they are also the most amazing gossips! i have sat in pubs and listened in on the conversations of men and it really is enlightening. after the usual football, music and fart talks they then begin gossiping about anything and anyone that comes to mind. women have nothing on men when it comes to 'you will never guess what so and so did . . . . . . . . .'

i am sure i started this blog for a reason with something specific to say but i really have absolutely no idea what that was now! as usual i have gone off on a tangent and completely lost the thread of what i was actually going to say. i thought i only did that during oral conversations, but obviously my idiosyncrasies sneak through in my written statements too! having searched the depths of my mind, which took a suprisingly short amount of time (well maybe not that suprising). i still cannot figure out what i am on about so i will do us all a favour and just stop now. after changing the title of course. someone please tell me, "what was i on about?"

a poem for my problems

you slept all the way through last night,
so why are you crying with all your might?
you have had more than 10 hours sleep,
so why is your mood so dark and so deep?
you woke up with such a beautiful smile,
so why are you making today such a trial?
you can be such a happy sweet little girl,
so why are you putting my head in a whirl?

i love you with every piece of my heart,
so why do you want to tear me apart?
i spend my days doing my best for you,
so why do you make me feel so blue?
i get so frustrated but still i go on,
so why cant you make it a little more fun?
i am so tired yet i try and i try,
so why do you still continue to cry?

now you have gone down for a long needed nap,
i will try really hard not to fall in the trap,
of getting depressed and feeling down,
i will try to smile and not to frown.
when you awake you will look up and grin,
and the day will then again begin,
it does not matter what you put me through
all is forgiven i will always love you.

sleeping through - night 2

its night 2 and im dreading the same as yesterday! the screaming, the kicking and the constant cajoling until we eventually fall asleep. however, with the snow came a late christmas miracle.

after going to bed at 8pm, imogen wakes at half two in the morning. i shuffle through to her room and am greeted with a huge gummy smile symbolising the fact that my baby is in no way tired! although my heart floods with love for this beautiful girl, it also sinks knowing full well that sleep is a long way off! i offer her some water and the smile fades and is replaced with the same look of disgust as the night before. the bottle is pushed aside and i brace myself for the onset of screams, but there is nothing. instead the eyes begin to droop and she lets out a huge yawn.

not wanting to miss this opportunity i wrap her up and place her back in the cot. the elephant comforter blanket thingy gets scrunched up next to her face (a good sign) and the dummy is doing its job brilliantly. i creep out of her room not daring to imagine that this could be it! i fall back into bed and close my eyes hardly daring to breathe and then they come, the gurgling noises that mean sleep is not an option. knowing this is going to be a long one i put on my dressing gown and slippers and open her door. i am now resigned to the sleepless night ahead. but, on taking a closer look imogen is rubbing her eyes usually meaning she is tired. taking a chance, i replace the dummy and the elephant comforter blanket thingy and walk out her room while praying silently to myself. climbing back into bed i fall asleep.

its now the morning and i realise although i went into imogen twice the whole thing took no longer than 15 mins! all i can hope for is that my christmas miracle night happens more than once a year! x

sleeping through - night 1

so last night i decided enough was enough and imogen was not going to keep getting me up twice a night for feeds! she managed to sleep through at 10 weeks so she should manage at 5 months! i am determined, resolved and down right stubborn enough to see this through! yey! go me!

this morning i am a complete wreck! imogen has inherited her mothers stubborn streak and was not about to give up easily! she kicked, she screamed, she moaned and she groaned! this was going to take all my strength but i was not about to give up! the advice i was given was to try her on water instead of a feed, there is no way she should be hungry after the amount she eats during the day. she has just got into a bad habit and the cycle needs breaking. i thought this was a sensible suggestion and at this stage im willing to try anything, though i know it is not going to be easy!

at half one the monitor goes crazy and i go to pick her up. she starts opening and closing her mouth like a goldfish on speed "feed me feed me feed me feed me feed me feed me!" i give her the bottle and she guzzles away without so much as a blink. then the realisation hits her, the bottle gets spat out and she looks at me with these accusing eyes, 'what the hell is this????' i calmly put the teat back in her mouth and explain that there will be no more milk, just water at night from now on. the answer i get is a long high pitched scream. this is a new sound, the stuff horror films are made of and if it hadn't been half one in the morning i would have probably burst out laughing! but then, it starts, this is not the time for laughter! begin the battle of wills, mother against daughter, the race to the end, the test to see who really is the boss!

we soothe, we rock, we cuddle, we soothe, we rock, we cuddle and eventually after two hours mummy starts to win. her eyes begin to droop, the screams become a murmur and slowly she begins to drop off! wahoo! super mum strikes again! wrapped up nice and cosy, snoring away contentedly. imogen is now in her cot and i am slinking back into bed with a sigh of relief that could have blown over a building. smiling away and congratulating myself on being the conquering hero i drop off into a self satisfied sleep. should i really be so pleased with myself that i won a battle with a 5 month old child?

too soon bleary eyes squint at the clock. the grin i fell asleep wearing disappears as i realise it is now quarter past four. three quarters of an hour! is that all i get? so much for the conquering hero mum. shuffling my way down the corridor i pick her up and offer the water. the look i receive is of pure disgust! i can hear the thoughts travelling through her brain, 'is this woman insane? trying to poison me? or even worse, attempting to get her own way? hah! well i will be putting a stop to this!' cue the high pitched scream, the thrashing of the arms and the kicking legs! WE ARE NOT AMUSED!

this time however, tiredness takes over quickly and within the hour i am back in bed and enjoying the silence. nice try imogen, you are a worthy opponent. get some sleep, round two tomorrow night.

she's a bottomless pit!

after having some time off to be ill, attempting to enjoy imogens first christmas while looking after a very unwell and miserable baby, i am back with a question . . . . how much can one baby eat???!!

the bottomless pit that is my nearly 5 month old baby just does not seem to be satisfied and has started waking up during the night for two extra feeds. this is after eating what i consider to be a decent amount for her age during the day! i have a few theories, although this 'faze' has lasted for over a month now.

theory number 1 - after not being able to keep food down for over a week during christmas. could she be stocking up on lost nutrients? not really relevant as this started well before she was ill.
theory number 2 - a growth spurt? aren't spurts supposed to be fast and short not long drawn out things?
theory number 3 - she has just got into the habit of waking up and mummy is being a softy by pandering to her?

please read my daily routine and if i am doing something wrong please do not hesitate to put me right, give me advice or just sympathise.


7am we wake up and have 6ozs of hungry baby milk 1 of which is put in a bowl and mixed with a rusk for breakfast.
10am we go down for a nap which lasts approximately an hour.
12pm is lunch time which consists of half a large jar of 7 month plus baby food with some water and and 6ozs of hungry baby milk for pudding
1pm is nap time again for about an hour
2pm is another bottle of hungry baby milk
4pm again an hours nap time
5pm is dinner time which is the rest of the jar, a yogurt pudding and some water
7pm is then bath time, a 6oz bottle of 6 month plus milk with a rusk mixed in and then bedtime for 8pm

all these times are approximate as even though my child is not only beautiful but a complete genius (as all mothers know of their children, of course!), she does not yet have the ability to tell the time. she has had this routine for a week now and yet she will still wake up at 1 ish and 4 ish to guzzle another 6ozs each time like she hasn't been fed in a week! as you can see the age guidelines on the food and the milk are older than she actually is but she has had no problems with tummy upests or digestion and it was all i could think of to try and fill her up. i honestly thought if she ate more substantial food then she would be satisfied and the last month of getting up twice for extra night feeds would be a thing of a past!

am i missing something obvious? is it just a faze, albeit a long one? or do i just have a greedy baby and is sleep a long forgotten dream? excuse the pun, hehehehehe x