i cant stop!

before you all roll your eyes and groan this is a serious blog about a serious subject. obesity!

i have always had a bouncing weight problem, i have been skinny, just right and over weight. i know what i have to do to loose weight but at the moment i just can not stop eating! is it boredom, depression or just lack of will power? honestly i dont know. all i do know is that since imogen was born i seem to be getting bigger and bigger!

i have tried dieting and exercising but with all the best intentions in the world i end up falling back into bad habits! i have always joked around saying that im ok as long as my boobs stick out further than my belly! well i have just realised that they dont! i have never been small in the breast department and no matter what my weight was doing they stayed the same, buoyant and beautiful! now they are heavy and frankly painful.

obviously the health implications are at the back of my mind but i am honest enough to admit that it is my vanity that is hurting the most! russ says he loves me whatever and our relationship is back on track after a huge heart to heart and an amazing weekend together with the baby at grandmas. but i do not love myself!

i have come to the conclusion that i may actually have a problem and wonder if anyone knows what help there is out there for someone who compulsively binge eats? is it some kind of disorder or is it just laziness? either way i need help!

today is a good day

today is a good day! its not perfect, i am still fat, my relationship is still hanging by a thread and i am well and truly skint! however . . .

i woke up this morning with a strange sense of contentedness. i distinctly remember smiling as i opened my eyes and thought to myself, yes, today is a good day. i honestly can not recall the last time i did that. smile, i mean.

after stretching and giving out a strange cat like purrrrr i got out of bed and walked towards the delightful sound in the next room. the baby was awake and gurgling away to herself. words completely incomprehensible and yet so obviously happy. opening the door i was greeted with a beaming smile and our newly learnt wave. how can i possibly have anything but a good day now?

drawing back the curtains i see the sun is already shining and i pick up the baby who has now decided that i am the most funniest thing ever and is giggling uncontrollably. yes, today is a good day.

so why this new feeling of 'happy'? where did it come from and how long will it stay? could it be that russ has finally started to make an effort? sitting next to me on the sofa and offering me flowers? well time will tell, as for now i am off to enjoy this day and this feeling while it lasts.


today i am going to smile instead of frown, laugh instead of cry and skip instead of walk. today i invite you to join me and say . . .

. . . today is a good day!

these tired eyes

can these tired eyes keep on searching,
is what i want really there?
can this tired heart keep on beating,
does this man any longer really care?
is it possible to say how im hurting,
can i leave, should i go, do i dare?

take a look at my eyes, can you see?
take a look at my face, did you notice?
look in the mirror, can you tell?
the face looking back, is it me?
the rain that falls does it sting?
the sun that shines does it burn?
when a star stops shining, is it just a black hole?
when a heart stops beating, is it over?

can these tired eyes keep on searching,
is what i want really there?
can this tired heart keep on beating,
does this man any longer really care?
is it possible to say how im hurting,
can i leave, should i go, do i dare?

does he look in my eyes, can he see?
has he seen my face, does he notice?
when he looks in the mirror, can he tell?
the face looking back, does he know?
has he realised the raindrops are my tears?
that the sun is blinding my thoughts?
the star he once knew, is it nothing but black?
my heart once his, has it stopped?

can these tired eyes keep on searching,
is what i want really there?
can this tired heart keep on beating,
does this man any longer really care?
is it possible to say how im hurting,
can i leave, should i go, do i dare?

is sexy an attitude?

this post is inspired by a fellow blogger who is "bringing 'sexy' back." now im not jealous, (well maybe just a little) but after feeling a little low during the first year of motherhood she is now feeling better - good - sexy!

im so pleased for her, but . . . .

i used to turn heads, not necessarily because of my looks but my attitude
i used to feel sexy, funny and free
i used to feel good, comfortable in my own skin and enjoy my own body
i used to strut and oooze confidence
i used to watch russ watching me, pride and lust in his eyes

now i feel like ive lost my identity and my confidence. ive lost my spark, that glint in my eye and definitely, oh definitely lost my sexuality!

i am now 'mothership' an asexual robot required to clean house, look after baby and cook dinner! russ would rather watch the tele than me and the only beeps i get now is when im not concentrating and walk into an on coming car. only waking to the sound of 'oye fatty watch where your going!'

i have two weddings and a school reunion coming up and although im excited about all three, im also dreading it! i can see the photographs now. the sulky one in the corner with the ill fitting dress, yep thats me!

do you have to feel sexy to look sexy? is a sexy attitude all you really need? maybe nobody watches me because i cant be seen, sinking into the background. hmmmmmmm

where did i go?

what has happened to me?

i love being a mum but is that all i am?

is it possible to be me and a mum?

is sexy just attitude?

my red furry cocoon

its not like i mean to be lazy. its just i love my dressing gown!

its big,
its fluffy,
its cozy,
its comfy,
its snuggly,
its warm,
its oooh and its most definitely arrrgh!



knowing full well its a beautiful day outside and in all probability an effort should be made to leave the confines of the proverbial 'four walls' and get out into the world. i am still sitting here in my dressing gown. i have absolutely no intention of getting dressed today!

i could make excuses like i am waiting for the postman for a long awaited delivery, which in all fairness to myself is true, but could i not dress while i wait? hmmm, the answer is, no. actually.

i like to potter around the house in my big red furry cocoon.

i want to lounge around on the sofa waiting for jeremy kyle to start while watching my beautiful girl wobble as she learns to sit unaided.

i enjoy not opening the curtains and pretending that my house is a special private world that only my daughter and i inhabit.

i love our time, our special uninterrupted 'us' time.

i may decide to leave the house tomorrow and plunge myself into the never ending bustle of the outside world. but for now. for today. i am curling up with a constant supply of tea and biscuits and contemplating the amazing and wonderful life i have.

how lucky i am to be . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . just me.

brain over body?

can you want something so much that you actually convince yourself something is there when it isn't? is there a time when your logical brain gives in to your emotional brain and allows your fantasy's to become reality? but only in your own head!

i stopped taking my pill 6 weeks ago as russ and i decided that we wanted another baby. imogen is only 7 months old but we always said we would have two children and would like them close together. it started off as an 'if it happens it happens' kind of thing. but in my usual impatient, cant wait, must be now manner. i have begun to really really, really really want to get pregnant!

so, we have been enjoying ourselves in the bedroom (ooh la la). though im sure you don't want the dirty details so this is going to be a short paragraph. lets just say its been fun.

anyway. i am 7 days late for my period, i am emotional and moody, i feel bloated, i am a little 'stickier' downstairs and i can not get enough bacon down my neck to satisfy! apologies if there are any boys reading this but i couldn't think of a better word than stickier. hmmmmm, maybe i should invest in a thesaurus? hopefully the mention of bacon has made you feel better? if not, oh well. errr, where was i? oh yes . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . just one thing.

all the tests im taking are negative, is it too early? even for the really sensitive ones? is it my mind playing tricks on me? is this just a fantasy? is it all in my head? is it my body playing with me?

there is only one thing i can be sure of. if im not yet pregnant i had better get there soon as russ wont take the mood swings much longer! bless him.

its been a while

yes it has been a while but i am now back. i have been so busy lately, well when i say busy what i really mean is wallowing in my own self misery! i was sitting there sinking into the sofa worrying about my weight, my life, my child. oh would you listen to that, its all about the me me me! selfishness had become my middle name and i was testing the patience of anyone unlucky enough to come into contact with me! well not anymore! how dare i sit there expecting the world to revolve around me and my needs. there are soldiers risking their lives every day, there are still people starving to death in this day and age and recently there has been almost a whole population wiped out by an earthquake! "what?" i have to ask myself, "do i have to be upset about?" i have the answer for you and it is, absolutely nothing! not a thing!

i have a beautiful daughter, who can test the patience of a saint but can make my heart leap with a single smile. i have a wonderful partner who tells me he loves me every single day. i have a nice place to live. some lovely caring friends. as well as a family who is always there for me. my life, i can be bold enough to say is somewhat perfect. so a decision has been made, no more self pitying nonsense. i am going to live my life to the best of my potential, with a beaming smile and a kind heart. watch out world there is a new me on the loose.

all the course work has arrived for my degree and instead of my usual rush in, hectic, silly start. i have taken it slowly, reading all the course work and setting myself a reasonable timetable. i have developed a contract that will be used once i have become registered and i get my own 'at home child care business' up and running. as well as securing a place on an early years first aid course in order to fill the conditions of becoming a legally registered childminder. i appreciate i have a lot on my plate but i really do think that has been my problem recently. i need things to do. i love to be organised, methodical and most of all busy! so a degree, a business and a child should keep me on my toes for a long while to come.

this means that i am a happy woman, everything is falling into place and there is honestly nothing missing from my life. nothing i could want or need. well . . . . . . . . . . . there is something. its been a little niggle for sometime now but i had dismissed it as hormones, that was until russ brought up the subject and i realised it wasn't just me. we have ummmed and we have arrrghed. we have pondered over the good bits and the bad bits. the subject has been discussed at length. the decision has been made. russ and i are going to try for another baby. soooooooo excited!

thoughts in my head and the speed of light

its been two weeks and i haven't lost a thing! i began my diet with my usual gusto and determination and after only two weeks i am on the verge of giving up! i set up another blog to note my daily 'battle of the bulge' and even started two groups, one on facebook that now has 15 members and another on british mummy bloggers that has 8 members. two of the members on facebook have lost a decent amount of weight already and i am so proud of them. but me, nothing! maybe i should stop trying so hard and just let it happen on its own? the baby is going to be crawling before i know it and running around after her will probably help, but that does mean putting up with a body i hate! i really mean that! i hate myself at the moment! i have huge mirrors in my bathroom and i cant stand looking at myself getting in and out of the bath! yes yes i know that looks aren't everything and its whats inside that counts. however when you hate your outside how can you love your inside?

i am extremely good at pretending im fine. in fact i have always thought that a career in acting should have been the way to go for me. i can be bright and breezy, fantastic and funny, sunny and smiley, laughing all the way. i can pick you up, make you feel better, listen to all your worries, convince you the world is a wonderful place and you will know life is worth living. to the outside world i am happy, contented and full of hope, dreams and good thoughts. behind closed doors comes a stark reality. i sit on my own playing with the baby, she makes me smile and that is a real smile. one that only she can summon in me. its just me and her and i am truly happy. then she goes for her nap and i am on my own. alone and thinking. always thinking. my mind roles on and on and on continually creating these great ideas turning them into dreams and then i fail, miserably. maybe i should really keep this to myself but i have to let it out somehow . . . . . . inside i am dying!

my next project is to study a degree. i need something to occupy my mind, something to focus on. being so down at the diet failure, i have thrown myself into looking up information, booking myself on courses and ramming as much information as i can in to my head. this is not a whim as i have been thinking of this for a while. though now i have the determination of a dog with a bone! i will not let go! i have to work fast. i have to concentrate. i must not let anything distract me from my latest dream! if i do, i may fail! again! i know im pushing myself too hard and at some point i am going to have to stop, but as usual the rational part of my brain has become completely redundant. at the mercy of the other side, the dark side, the side that will never stop, never rest and never ever see that's its ok to slow down! even as i write this i am typing at a hundred miles an hour, the only things moving faster are the thoughts in my head and the speed of light!

what was i on about?

its monday morning and im having a pajama day again. the guilt i used to feel about being too lazy to get dressed is long forgotten and i am comfortable in my cosy dressing gown and over sized fluffy socks. the baby is snoring away contentedly and the last two days of hellish behaviour seem to be over, for now at least.

the house is in severe need of a dusting and the hoover really should be taken out of storage but errrrm, well, the thing is, errrr . . . oh sod it! i don't need to find an excuse. i just cant be bothered! i was bought a wii fit for christmas and i really should get on that and try to rectify the obese mii status that i have been given by that helpful little machine. but, yes you guessed it. i cant be bothered! what is it about my personality that makes me prefer to moan about my weight than actually do anything about it? why do i sit on the sofa tutting to myself about the state of the house while doing nothing about it? in the time it takes me to write this i could have lost a few pounds, had some fun and tidied up the house. instead i am sitting on my ever increasing arse, staring at a dusty computer screen bitching about myself, my life and my house!

any male readers are probably thinking 'typical woman' and in all fairness they are probably right. the female of the species are full of contradictions, confusions and craziness and i will admit that i am extremely skilled at all three! don't feel sorry for russ he loves it, honestly he does! no man wants a woman who does not keep him on his toes. men by nature lose interest easily and so a little female quirkiness is just the thing to keep them from getting bored. it also means that they have something to rant about over a pint or two in the pub. oh yes, do not be fooled. men revel in competing with each other about who's got the most demanding missus! even if they don't have anything to moan about, they make it up in order to keep up with the typical stereotype of 'her in doors!' i promise you its true! though they will deny it to the death. they are also the most amazing gossips! i have sat in pubs and listened in on the conversations of men and it really is enlightening. after the usual football, music and fart talks they then begin gossiping about anything and anyone that comes to mind. women have nothing on men when it comes to 'you will never guess what so and so did . . . . . . . . .'

i am sure i started this blog for a reason with something specific to say but i really have absolutely no idea what that was now! as usual i have gone off on a tangent and completely lost the thread of what i was actually going to say. i thought i only did that during oral conversations, but obviously my idiosyncrasies sneak through in my written statements too! having searched the depths of my mind, which took a suprisingly short amount of time (well maybe not that suprising). i still cannot figure out what i am on about so i will do us all a favour and just stop now. after changing the title of course. someone please tell me, "what was i on about?"

a poem for my problems

you slept all the way through last night,
so why are you crying with all your might?
you have had more than 10 hours sleep,
so why is your mood so dark and so deep?
you woke up with such a beautiful smile,
so why are you making today such a trial?
you can be such a happy sweet little girl,
so why are you putting my head in a whirl?

i love you with every piece of my heart,
so why do you want to tear me apart?
i spend my days doing my best for you,
so why do you make me feel so blue?
i get so frustrated but still i go on,
so why cant you make it a little more fun?
i am so tired yet i try and i try,
so why do you still continue to cry?

now you have gone down for a long needed nap,
i will try really hard not to fall in the trap,
of getting depressed and feeling down,
i will try to smile and not to frown.
when you awake you will look up and grin,
and the day will then again begin,
it does not matter what you put me through
all is forgiven i will always love you.

sleeping through - night 2

its night 2 and im dreading the same as yesterday! the screaming, the kicking and the constant cajoling until we eventually fall asleep. however, with the snow came a late christmas miracle.

after going to bed at 8pm, imogen wakes at half two in the morning. i shuffle through to her room and am greeted with a huge gummy smile symbolising the fact that my baby is in no way tired! although my heart floods with love for this beautiful girl, it also sinks knowing full well that sleep is a long way off! i offer her some water and the smile fades and is replaced with the same look of disgust as the night before. the bottle is pushed aside and i brace myself for the onset of screams, but there is nothing. instead the eyes begin to droop and she lets out a huge yawn.

not wanting to miss this opportunity i wrap her up and place her back in the cot. the elephant comforter blanket thingy gets scrunched up next to her face (a good sign) and the dummy is doing its job brilliantly. i creep out of her room not daring to imagine that this could be it! i fall back into bed and close my eyes hardly daring to breathe and then they come, the gurgling noises that mean sleep is not an option. knowing this is going to be a long one i put on my dressing gown and slippers and open her door. i am now resigned to the sleepless night ahead. but, on taking a closer look imogen is rubbing her eyes usually meaning she is tired. taking a chance, i replace the dummy and the elephant comforter blanket thingy and walk out her room while praying silently to myself. climbing back into bed i fall asleep.

its now the morning and i realise although i went into imogen twice the whole thing took no longer than 15 mins! all i can hope for is that my christmas miracle night happens more than once a year! x

sleeping through - night 1

so last night i decided enough was enough and imogen was not going to keep getting me up twice a night for feeds! she managed to sleep through at 10 weeks so she should manage at 5 months! i am determined, resolved and down right stubborn enough to see this through! yey! go me!

this morning i am a complete wreck! imogen has inherited her mothers stubborn streak and was not about to give up easily! she kicked, she screamed, she moaned and she groaned! this was going to take all my strength but i was not about to give up! the advice i was given was to try her on water instead of a feed, there is no way she should be hungry after the amount she eats during the day. she has just got into a bad habit and the cycle needs breaking. i thought this was a sensible suggestion and at this stage im willing to try anything, though i know it is not going to be easy!

at half one the monitor goes crazy and i go to pick her up. she starts opening and closing her mouth like a goldfish on speed "feed me feed me feed me feed me feed me feed me!" i give her the bottle and she guzzles away without so much as a blink. then the realisation hits her, the bottle gets spat out and she looks at me with these accusing eyes, 'what the hell is this????' i calmly put the teat back in her mouth and explain that there will be no more milk, just water at night from now on. the answer i get is a long high pitched scream. this is a new sound, the stuff horror films are made of and if it hadn't been half one in the morning i would have probably burst out laughing! but then, it starts, this is not the time for laughter! begin the battle of wills, mother against daughter, the race to the end, the test to see who really is the boss!

we soothe, we rock, we cuddle, we soothe, we rock, we cuddle and eventually after two hours mummy starts to win. her eyes begin to droop, the screams become a murmur and slowly she begins to drop off! wahoo! super mum strikes again! wrapped up nice and cosy, snoring away contentedly. imogen is now in her cot and i am slinking back into bed with a sigh of relief that could have blown over a building. smiling away and congratulating myself on being the conquering hero i drop off into a self satisfied sleep. should i really be so pleased with myself that i won a battle with a 5 month old child?

too soon bleary eyes squint at the clock. the grin i fell asleep wearing disappears as i realise it is now quarter past four. three quarters of an hour! is that all i get? so much for the conquering hero mum. shuffling my way down the corridor i pick her up and offer the water. the look i receive is of pure disgust! i can hear the thoughts travelling through her brain, 'is this woman insane? trying to poison me? or even worse, attempting to get her own way? hah! well i will be putting a stop to this!' cue the high pitched scream, the thrashing of the arms and the kicking legs! WE ARE NOT AMUSED!

this time however, tiredness takes over quickly and within the hour i am back in bed and enjoying the silence. nice try imogen, you are a worthy opponent. get some sleep, round two tomorrow night.

she's a bottomless pit!

after having some time off to be ill, attempting to enjoy imogens first christmas while looking after a very unwell and miserable baby, i am back with a question . . . . how much can one baby eat???!!

the bottomless pit that is my nearly 5 month old baby just does not seem to be satisfied and has started waking up during the night for two extra feeds. this is after eating what i consider to be a decent amount for her age during the day! i have a few theories, although this 'faze' has lasted for over a month now.

theory number 1 - after not being able to keep food down for over a week during christmas. could she be stocking up on lost nutrients? not really relevant as this started well before she was ill.
theory number 2 - a growth spurt? aren't spurts supposed to be fast and short not long drawn out things?
theory number 3 - she has just got into the habit of waking up and mummy is being a softy by pandering to her?

please read my daily routine and if i am doing something wrong please do not hesitate to put me right, give me advice or just sympathise.


7am we wake up and have 6ozs of hungry baby milk 1 of which is put in a bowl and mixed with a rusk for breakfast.
10am we go down for a nap which lasts approximately an hour.
12pm is lunch time which consists of half a large jar of 7 month plus baby food with some water and and 6ozs of hungry baby milk for pudding
1pm is nap time again for about an hour
2pm is another bottle of hungry baby milk
4pm again an hours nap time
5pm is dinner time which is the rest of the jar, a yogurt pudding and some water
7pm is then bath time, a 6oz bottle of 6 month plus milk with a rusk mixed in and then bedtime for 8pm

all these times are approximate as even though my child is not only beautiful but a complete genius (as all mothers know of their children, of course!), she does not yet have the ability to tell the time. she has had this routine for a week now and yet she will still wake up at 1 ish and 4 ish to guzzle another 6ozs each time like she hasn't been fed in a week! as you can see the age guidelines on the food and the milk are older than she actually is but she has had no problems with tummy upests or digestion and it was all i could think of to try and fill her up. i honestly thought if she ate more substantial food then she would be satisfied and the last month of getting up twice for extra night feeds would be a thing of a past!

am i missing something obvious? is it just a faze, albeit a long one? or do i just have a greedy baby and is sleep a long forgotten dream? excuse the pun, hehehehehe x