Saturday, 23 January 2010

thoughts in my head and the speed of light

its been two weeks and i haven't lost a thing! i began my diet with my usual gusto and determination and after only two weeks i am on the verge of giving up! i set up another blog to note my daily 'battle of the bulge' and even started two groups, one on facebook that now has 15 members and another on british mummy bloggers that has 8 members. two of the members on facebook have lost a decent amount of weight already and i am so proud of them. but me, nothing! maybe i should stop trying so hard and just let it happen on its own? the baby is going to be crawling before i know it and running around after her will probably help, but that does mean putting up with a body i hate! i really mean that! i hate myself at the moment! i have huge mirrors in my bathroom and i cant stand looking at myself getting in and out of the bath! yes yes i know that looks aren't everything and its whats inside that counts. however when you hate your outside how can you love your inside?

i am extremely good at pretending im fine. in fact i have always thought that a career in acting should have been the way to go for me. i can be bright and breezy, fantastic and funny, sunny and smiley, laughing all the way. i can pick you up, make you feel better, listen to all your worries, convince you the world is a wonderful place and you will know life is worth living. to the outside world i am happy, contented and full of hope, dreams and good thoughts. behind closed doors comes a stark reality. i sit on my own playing with the baby, she makes me smile and that is a real smile. one that only she can summon in me. its just me and her and i am truly happy. then she goes for her nap and i am on my own. alone and thinking. always thinking. my mind roles on and on and on continually creating these great ideas turning them into dreams and then i fail, miserably. maybe i should really keep this to myself but i have to let it out somehow . . . . . . inside i am dying!

my next project is to study a degree. i need something to occupy my mind, something to focus on. being so down at the diet failure, i have thrown myself into looking up information, booking myself on courses and ramming as much information as i can in to my head. this is not a whim as i have been thinking of this for a while. though now i have the determination of a dog with a bone! i will not let go! i have to work fast. i have to concentrate. i must not let anything distract me from my latest dream! if i do, i may fail! again! i know im pushing myself too hard and at some point i am going to have to stop, but as usual the rational part of my brain has become completely redundant. at the mercy of the other side, the dark side, the side that will never stop, never rest and never ever see that's its ok to slow down! even as i write this i am typing at a hundred miles an hour, the only things moving faster are the thoughts in my head and the speed of light!

1 comment:

  1. You really shouldnt be so hard on yourself hunny! If you need someone to chat to.... call me, come round! I'm here! x x