BY JILL WOOLFORD

Tuesday, 15 December 2009

bath time, bruises and baby weight


so russ is back from work and i have handed over little our bundle of joy and scampered upstairs to have a long soak in the bath. arrrrgh! heaven! door closed to the world, bath hot enough to give me a lovely lobster glow and a cool glass of wine. now this really is the life.

i get undressed ignoring the long mirrors on the wall that show my ever increasing waistline. hah! now that's a complete lie! i haven't had a waistline in months! again i mutter to myself about being lazy and getting my bubble butt to the gym, knowing full well that it ain't gonna happen. not before christmas anyway! why should i sit there chewing on a lettuce leaf and sipping slim line tonics while everyone else is tucking into turkey, trimmings and triple tipples? and don't even get me started on slim line tonics! who in the hell seriously believes you can get a diet water? i mean please! anyway, so im still attempting to ignore my reflection. though cannot help noticing that when my stomach moves it looks remarkably like a lava lamp! ooh! ooh! ooh! hot! hot! hot! no wonder i end up looking like an overcooked lobster i should really test the heat of the water before i sit down!



a sip of wine and i disappear under the water lying their daydreaming in the eerie quietness of my surroundings. i love being under water, it provides such a stillness i cant help but let out a deep sigh and allow my head to slowly empty. all stresses, worries and so called important thoughts disappear and i am left with a contented feeling of pure euphoria! how is it something so simple can right all the wrongs so easily? then remembering i have to raise my head to breathe i reluctantly start to push myself into a sitting position. now, imagine the daintiness and graceful moves of the aquatic world. how even the largest of the under water world glide effortlessly from one place to another, sliding under the waves appearing to be completely weightless. then picture if you will, me. dainty? no! graceful? errm i doubt it! weightless? hah! i think not!



i bend my legs and go to push myself upright into a sitting position, but i cant! i am stuck! my back has somehow suctioned itself to the bottom of the bath! how on earth did that happen? im sure there is some kind of scientific reasoning behind how and why i had suddenly become pinned by my own body to the bottom of the bath! i however, have my own theory! i believe that my wibbly wobbly bits created air pockets under the water and when i had tried to move these pockets had created suction pads that literally stuck me to the ceramic floor! so after thinking about this i realise i have no choice but to heave myself straight upwards up and out of the water, ouch! wow that hurt! i stumble out of the bath and this time have no intention of trying to dodge the mirrors. i turn round and already i have a massive purple circle appearing on my back. that's going to be some bruise! talk about your beached whale! i was a big bruised, lobster coloured, lava lamp imitating, fatty! is there any possibility i could feel any more attractive right now??!!

then the unthinkable happened! as if those previous events were not enough to break my beautiful, stress free state of mind. i turn around, swing the towel around me and in the process knock over my glass of wine!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

2 comments:

  1. Oh hun sounds like a hell of a bath you poor thing!

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