i cant stop!

before you all roll your eyes and groan this is a serious blog about a serious subject. obesity!

i have always had a bouncing weight problem, i have been skinny, just right and over weight. i know what i have to do to loose weight but at the moment i just can not stop eating! is it boredom, depression or just lack of will power? honestly i dont know. all i do know is that since imogen was born i seem to be getting bigger and bigger!

i have tried dieting and exercising but with all the best intentions in the world i end up falling back into bad habits! i have always joked around saying that im ok as long as my boobs stick out further than my belly! well i have just realised that they dont! i have never been small in the breast department and no matter what my weight was doing they stayed the same, buoyant and beautiful! now they are heavy and frankly painful.

obviously the health implications are at the back of my mind but i am honest enough to admit that it is my vanity that is hurting the most! russ says he loves me whatever and our relationship is back on track after a huge heart to heart and an amazing weekend together with the baby at grandmas. but i do not love myself!

i have come to the conclusion that i may actually have a problem and wonder if anyone knows what help there is out there for someone who compulsively binge eats? is it some kind of disorder or is it just laziness? either way i need help!

today is a good day

today is a good day! its not perfect, i am still fat, my relationship is still hanging by a thread and i am well and truly skint! however . . .

i woke up this morning with a strange sense of contentedness. i distinctly remember smiling as i opened my eyes and thought to myself, yes, today is a good day. i honestly can not recall the last time i did that. smile, i mean.

after stretching and giving out a strange cat like purrrrr i got out of bed and walked towards the delightful sound in the next room. the baby was awake and gurgling away to herself. words completely incomprehensible and yet so obviously happy. opening the door i was greeted with a beaming smile and our newly learnt wave. how can i possibly have anything but a good day now?

drawing back the curtains i see the sun is already shining and i pick up the baby who has now decided that i am the most funniest thing ever and is giggling uncontrollably. yes, today is a good day.

so why this new feeling of 'happy'? where did it come from and how long will it stay? could it be that russ has finally started to make an effort? sitting next to me on the sofa and offering me flowers? well time will tell, as for now i am off to enjoy this day and this feeling while it lasts.


today i am going to smile instead of frown, laugh instead of cry and skip instead of walk. today i invite you to join me and say . . .

. . . today is a good day!

these tired eyes

can these tired eyes keep on searching,
is what i want really there?
can this tired heart keep on beating,
does this man any longer really care?
is it possible to say how im hurting,
can i leave, should i go, do i dare?

take a look at my eyes, can you see?
take a look at my face, did you notice?
look in the mirror, can you tell?
the face looking back, is it me?
the rain that falls does it sting?
the sun that shines does it burn?
when a star stops shining, is it just a black hole?
when a heart stops beating, is it over?

can these tired eyes keep on searching,
is what i want really there?
can this tired heart keep on beating,
does this man any longer really care?
is it possible to say how im hurting,
can i leave, should i go, do i dare?

does he look in my eyes, can he see?
has he seen my face, does he notice?
when he looks in the mirror, can he tell?
the face looking back, does he know?
has he realised the raindrops are my tears?
that the sun is blinding my thoughts?
the star he once knew, is it nothing but black?
my heart once his, has it stopped?

can these tired eyes keep on searching,
is what i want really there?
can this tired heart keep on beating,
does this man any longer really care?
is it possible to say how im hurting,
can i leave, should i go, do i dare?

is sexy an attitude?

this post is inspired by a fellow blogger who is "bringing 'sexy' back." now im not jealous, (well maybe just a little) but after feeling a little low during the first year of motherhood she is now feeling better - good - sexy!

im so pleased for her, but . . . .

i used to turn heads, not necessarily because of my looks but my attitude
i used to feel sexy, funny and free
i used to feel good, comfortable in my own skin and enjoy my own body
i used to strut and oooze confidence
i used to watch russ watching me, pride and lust in his eyes

now i feel like ive lost my identity and my confidence. ive lost my spark, that glint in my eye and definitely, oh definitely lost my sexuality!

i am now 'mothership' an asexual robot required to clean house, look after baby and cook dinner! russ would rather watch the tele than me and the only beeps i get now is when im not concentrating and walk into an on coming car. only waking to the sound of 'oye fatty watch where your going!'

i have two weddings and a school reunion coming up and although im excited about all three, im also dreading it! i can see the photographs now. the sulky one in the corner with the ill fitting dress, yep thats me!

do you have to feel sexy to look sexy? is a sexy attitude all you really need? maybe nobody watches me because i cant be seen, sinking into the background. hmmmmmmm

where did i go?

what has happened to me?

i love being a mum but is that all i am?

is it possible to be me and a mum?

is sexy just attitude?

my red furry cocoon

its not like i mean to be lazy. its just i love my dressing gown!

its big,
its fluffy,
its cozy,
its comfy,
its snuggly,
its warm,
its oooh and its most definitely arrrgh!



knowing full well its a beautiful day outside and in all probability an effort should be made to leave the confines of the proverbial 'four walls' and get out into the world. i am still sitting here in my dressing gown. i have absolutely no intention of getting dressed today!

i could make excuses like i am waiting for the postman for a long awaited delivery, which in all fairness to myself is true, but could i not dress while i wait? hmmm, the answer is, no. actually.

i like to potter around the house in my big red furry cocoon.

i want to lounge around on the sofa waiting for jeremy kyle to start while watching my beautiful girl wobble as she learns to sit unaided.

i enjoy not opening the curtains and pretending that my house is a special private world that only my daughter and i inhabit.

i love our time, our special uninterrupted 'us' time.

i may decide to leave the house tomorrow and plunge myself into the never ending bustle of the outside world. but for now. for today. i am curling up with a constant supply of tea and biscuits and contemplating the amazing and wonderful life i have.

how lucky i am to be . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . just me.

brain over body?

can you want something so much that you actually convince yourself something is there when it isn't? is there a time when your logical brain gives in to your emotional brain and allows your fantasy's to become reality? but only in your own head!

i stopped taking my pill 6 weeks ago as russ and i decided that we wanted another baby. imogen is only 7 months old but we always said we would have two children and would like them close together. it started off as an 'if it happens it happens' kind of thing. but in my usual impatient, cant wait, must be now manner. i have begun to really really, really really want to get pregnant!

so, we have been enjoying ourselves in the bedroom (ooh la la). though im sure you don't want the dirty details so this is going to be a short paragraph. lets just say its been fun.

anyway. i am 7 days late for my period, i am emotional and moody, i feel bloated, i am a little 'stickier' downstairs and i can not get enough bacon down my neck to satisfy! apologies if there are any boys reading this but i couldn't think of a better word than stickier. hmmmmm, maybe i should invest in a thesaurus? hopefully the mention of bacon has made you feel better? if not, oh well. errr, where was i? oh yes . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . just one thing.

all the tests im taking are negative, is it too early? even for the really sensitive ones? is it my mind playing tricks on me? is this just a fantasy? is it all in my head? is it my body playing with me?

there is only one thing i can be sure of. if im not yet pregnant i had better get there soon as russ wont take the mood swings much longer! bless him.

its been a while

yes it has been a while but i am now back. i have been so busy lately, well when i say busy what i really mean is wallowing in my own self misery! i was sitting there sinking into the sofa worrying about my weight, my life, my child. oh would you listen to that, its all about the me me me! selfishness had become my middle name and i was testing the patience of anyone unlucky enough to come into contact with me! well not anymore! how dare i sit there expecting the world to revolve around me and my needs. there are soldiers risking their lives every day, there are still people starving to death in this day and age and recently there has been almost a whole population wiped out by an earthquake! "what?" i have to ask myself, "do i have to be upset about?" i have the answer for you and it is, absolutely nothing! not a thing!

i have a beautiful daughter, who can test the patience of a saint but can make my heart leap with a single smile. i have a wonderful partner who tells me he loves me every single day. i have a nice place to live. some lovely caring friends. as well as a family who is always there for me. my life, i can be bold enough to say is somewhat perfect. so a decision has been made, no more self pitying nonsense. i am going to live my life to the best of my potential, with a beaming smile and a kind heart. watch out world there is a new me on the loose.

all the course work has arrived for my degree and instead of my usual rush in, hectic, silly start. i have taken it slowly, reading all the course work and setting myself a reasonable timetable. i have developed a contract that will be used once i have become registered and i get my own 'at home child care business' up and running. as well as securing a place on an early years first aid course in order to fill the conditions of becoming a legally registered childminder. i appreciate i have a lot on my plate but i really do think that has been my problem recently. i need things to do. i love to be organised, methodical and most of all busy! so a degree, a business and a child should keep me on my toes for a long while to come.

this means that i am a happy woman, everything is falling into place and there is honestly nothing missing from my life. nothing i could want or need. well . . . . . . . . . . . there is something. its been a little niggle for sometime now but i had dismissed it as hormones, that was until russ brought up the subject and i realised it wasn't just me. we have ummmed and we have arrrghed. we have pondered over the good bits and the bad bits. the subject has been discussed at length. the decision has been made. russ and i are going to try for another baby. soooooooo excited!

thoughts in my head and the speed of light

its been two weeks and i haven't lost a thing! i began my diet with my usual gusto and determination and after only two weeks i am on the verge of giving up! i set up another blog to note my daily 'battle of the bulge' and even started two groups, one on facebook that now has 15 members and another on british mummy bloggers that has 8 members. two of the members on facebook have lost a decent amount of weight already and i am so proud of them. but me, nothing! maybe i should stop trying so hard and just let it happen on its own? the baby is going to be crawling before i know it and running around after her will probably help, but that does mean putting up with a body i hate! i really mean that! i hate myself at the moment! i have huge mirrors in my bathroom and i cant stand looking at myself getting in and out of the bath! yes yes i know that looks aren't everything and its whats inside that counts. however when you hate your outside how can you love your inside?

i am extremely good at pretending im fine. in fact i have always thought that a career in acting should have been the way to go for me. i can be bright and breezy, fantastic and funny, sunny and smiley, laughing all the way. i can pick you up, make you feel better, listen to all your worries, convince you the world is a wonderful place and you will know life is worth living. to the outside world i am happy, contented and full of hope, dreams and good thoughts. behind closed doors comes a stark reality. i sit on my own playing with the baby, she makes me smile and that is a real smile. one that only she can summon in me. its just me and her and i am truly happy. then she goes for her nap and i am on my own. alone and thinking. always thinking. my mind roles on and on and on continually creating these great ideas turning them into dreams and then i fail, miserably. maybe i should really keep this to myself but i have to let it out somehow . . . . . . inside i am dying!

my next project is to study a degree. i need something to occupy my mind, something to focus on. being so down at the diet failure, i have thrown myself into looking up information, booking myself on courses and ramming as much information as i can in to my head. this is not a whim as i have been thinking of this for a while. though now i have the determination of a dog with a bone! i will not let go! i have to work fast. i have to concentrate. i must not let anything distract me from my latest dream! if i do, i may fail! again! i know im pushing myself too hard and at some point i am going to have to stop, but as usual the rational part of my brain has become completely redundant. at the mercy of the other side, the dark side, the side that will never stop, never rest and never ever see that's its ok to slow down! even as i write this i am typing at a hundred miles an hour, the only things moving faster are the thoughts in my head and the speed of light!

what was i on about?

its monday morning and im having a pajama day again. the guilt i used to feel about being too lazy to get dressed is long forgotten and i am comfortable in my cosy dressing gown and over sized fluffy socks. the baby is snoring away contentedly and the last two days of hellish behaviour seem to be over, for now at least.

the house is in severe need of a dusting and the hoover really should be taken out of storage but errrrm, well, the thing is, errrr . . . oh sod it! i don't need to find an excuse. i just cant be bothered! i was bought a wii fit for christmas and i really should get on that and try to rectify the obese mii status that i have been given by that helpful little machine. but, yes you guessed it. i cant be bothered! what is it about my personality that makes me prefer to moan about my weight than actually do anything about it? why do i sit on the sofa tutting to myself about the state of the house while doing nothing about it? in the time it takes me to write this i could have lost a few pounds, had some fun and tidied up the house. instead i am sitting on my ever increasing arse, staring at a dusty computer screen bitching about myself, my life and my house!

any male readers are probably thinking 'typical woman' and in all fairness they are probably right. the female of the species are full of contradictions, confusions and craziness and i will admit that i am extremely skilled at all three! don't feel sorry for russ he loves it, honestly he does! no man wants a woman who does not keep him on his toes. men by nature lose interest easily and so a little female quirkiness is just the thing to keep them from getting bored. it also means that they have something to rant about over a pint or two in the pub. oh yes, do not be fooled. men revel in competing with each other about who's got the most demanding missus! even if they don't have anything to moan about, they make it up in order to keep up with the typical stereotype of 'her in doors!' i promise you its true! though they will deny it to the death. they are also the most amazing gossips! i have sat in pubs and listened in on the conversations of men and it really is enlightening. after the usual football, music and fart talks they then begin gossiping about anything and anyone that comes to mind. women have nothing on men when it comes to 'you will never guess what so and so did . . . . . . . . .'

i am sure i started this blog for a reason with something specific to say but i really have absolutely no idea what that was now! as usual i have gone off on a tangent and completely lost the thread of what i was actually going to say. i thought i only did that during oral conversations, but obviously my idiosyncrasies sneak through in my written statements too! having searched the depths of my mind, which took a suprisingly short amount of time (well maybe not that suprising). i still cannot figure out what i am on about so i will do us all a favour and just stop now. after changing the title of course. someone please tell me, "what was i on about?"

a poem for my problems

you slept all the way through last night,
so why are you crying with all your might?
you have had more than 10 hours sleep,
so why is your mood so dark and so deep?
you woke up with such a beautiful smile,
so why are you making today such a trial?
you can be such a happy sweet little girl,
so why are you putting my head in a whirl?

i love you with every piece of my heart,
so why do you want to tear me apart?
i spend my days doing my best for you,
so why do you make me feel so blue?
i get so frustrated but still i go on,
so why cant you make it a little more fun?
i am so tired yet i try and i try,
so why do you still continue to cry?

now you have gone down for a long needed nap,
i will try really hard not to fall in the trap,
of getting depressed and feeling down,
i will try to smile and not to frown.
when you awake you will look up and grin,
and the day will then again begin,
it does not matter what you put me through
all is forgiven i will always love you.

sleeping through - night 2

its night 2 and im dreading the same as yesterday! the screaming, the kicking and the constant cajoling until we eventually fall asleep. however, with the snow came a late christmas miracle.

after going to bed at 8pm, imogen wakes at half two in the morning. i shuffle through to her room and am greeted with a huge gummy smile symbolising the fact that my baby is in no way tired! although my heart floods with love for this beautiful girl, it also sinks knowing full well that sleep is a long way off! i offer her some water and the smile fades and is replaced with the same look of disgust as the night before. the bottle is pushed aside and i brace myself for the onset of screams, but there is nothing. instead the eyes begin to droop and she lets out a huge yawn.

not wanting to miss this opportunity i wrap her up and place her back in the cot. the elephant comforter blanket thingy gets scrunched up next to her face (a good sign) and the dummy is doing its job brilliantly. i creep out of her room not daring to imagine that this could be it! i fall back into bed and close my eyes hardly daring to breathe and then they come, the gurgling noises that mean sleep is not an option. knowing this is going to be a long one i put on my dressing gown and slippers and open her door. i am now resigned to the sleepless night ahead. but, on taking a closer look imogen is rubbing her eyes usually meaning she is tired. taking a chance, i replace the dummy and the elephant comforter blanket thingy and walk out her room while praying silently to myself. climbing back into bed i fall asleep.

its now the morning and i realise although i went into imogen twice the whole thing took no longer than 15 mins! all i can hope for is that my christmas miracle night happens more than once a year! x

sleeping through - night 1

so last night i decided enough was enough and imogen was not going to keep getting me up twice a night for feeds! she managed to sleep through at 10 weeks so she should manage at 5 months! i am determined, resolved and down right stubborn enough to see this through! yey! go me!

this morning i am a complete wreck! imogen has inherited her mothers stubborn streak and was not about to give up easily! she kicked, she screamed, she moaned and she groaned! this was going to take all my strength but i was not about to give up! the advice i was given was to try her on water instead of a feed, there is no way she should be hungry after the amount she eats during the day. she has just got into a bad habit and the cycle needs breaking. i thought this was a sensible suggestion and at this stage im willing to try anything, though i know it is not going to be easy!

at half one the monitor goes crazy and i go to pick her up. she starts opening and closing her mouth like a goldfish on speed "feed me feed me feed me feed me feed me feed me!" i give her the bottle and she guzzles away without so much as a blink. then the realisation hits her, the bottle gets spat out and she looks at me with these accusing eyes, 'what the hell is this????' i calmly put the teat back in her mouth and explain that there will be no more milk, just water at night from now on. the answer i get is a long high pitched scream. this is a new sound, the stuff horror films are made of and if it hadn't been half one in the morning i would have probably burst out laughing! but then, it starts, this is not the time for laughter! begin the battle of wills, mother against daughter, the race to the end, the test to see who really is the boss!

we soothe, we rock, we cuddle, we soothe, we rock, we cuddle and eventually after two hours mummy starts to win. her eyes begin to droop, the screams become a murmur and slowly she begins to drop off! wahoo! super mum strikes again! wrapped up nice and cosy, snoring away contentedly. imogen is now in her cot and i am slinking back into bed with a sigh of relief that could have blown over a building. smiling away and congratulating myself on being the conquering hero i drop off into a self satisfied sleep. should i really be so pleased with myself that i won a battle with a 5 month old child?

too soon bleary eyes squint at the clock. the grin i fell asleep wearing disappears as i realise it is now quarter past four. three quarters of an hour! is that all i get? so much for the conquering hero mum. shuffling my way down the corridor i pick her up and offer the water. the look i receive is of pure disgust! i can hear the thoughts travelling through her brain, 'is this woman insane? trying to poison me? or even worse, attempting to get her own way? hah! well i will be putting a stop to this!' cue the high pitched scream, the thrashing of the arms and the kicking legs! WE ARE NOT AMUSED!

this time however, tiredness takes over quickly and within the hour i am back in bed and enjoying the silence. nice try imogen, you are a worthy opponent. get some sleep, round two tomorrow night.

she's a bottomless pit!

after having some time off to be ill, attempting to enjoy imogens first christmas while looking after a very unwell and miserable baby, i am back with a question . . . . how much can one baby eat???!!

the bottomless pit that is my nearly 5 month old baby just does not seem to be satisfied and has started waking up during the night for two extra feeds. this is after eating what i consider to be a decent amount for her age during the day! i have a few theories, although this 'faze' has lasted for over a month now.

theory number 1 - after not being able to keep food down for over a week during christmas. could she be stocking up on lost nutrients? not really relevant as this started well before she was ill.
theory number 2 - a growth spurt? aren't spurts supposed to be fast and short not long drawn out things?
theory number 3 - she has just got into the habit of waking up and mummy is being a softy by pandering to her?

please read my daily routine and if i am doing something wrong please do not hesitate to put me right, give me advice or just sympathise.


7am we wake up and have 6ozs of hungry baby milk 1 of which is put in a bowl and mixed with a rusk for breakfast.
10am we go down for a nap which lasts approximately an hour.
12pm is lunch time which consists of half a large jar of 7 month plus baby food with some water and and 6ozs of hungry baby milk for pudding
1pm is nap time again for about an hour
2pm is another bottle of hungry baby milk
4pm again an hours nap time
5pm is dinner time which is the rest of the jar, a yogurt pudding and some water
7pm is then bath time, a 6oz bottle of 6 month plus milk with a rusk mixed in and then bedtime for 8pm

all these times are approximate as even though my child is not only beautiful but a complete genius (as all mothers know of their children, of course!), she does not yet have the ability to tell the time. she has had this routine for a week now and yet she will still wake up at 1 ish and 4 ish to guzzle another 6ozs each time like she hasn't been fed in a week! as you can see the age guidelines on the food and the milk are older than she actually is but she has had no problems with tummy upests or digestion and it was all i could think of to try and fill her up. i honestly thought if she ate more substantial food then she would be satisfied and the last month of getting up twice for extra night feeds would be a thing of a past!

am i missing something obvious? is it just a faze, albeit a long one? or do i just have a greedy baby and is sleep a long forgotten dream? excuse the pun, hehehehehe x

bath time, bruises and baby weight

so russ is back from work and i have handed over little our bundle of joy and scampered upstairs to have a long soak in the bath. arrrrgh! heaven! door closed to the world, bath hot enough to give me a lovely lobster glow and a cool glass of wine. now this really is the life.

i get undressed ignoring the long mirrors on the wall that show my ever increasing waistline. hah! now that's a complete lie! i haven't had a waistline in months! again i mutter to myself about being lazy and getting my bubble butt to the gym, knowing full well that it ain't gonna happen. not before christmas anyway! why should i sit there chewing on a lettuce leaf and sipping slim line tonics while everyone else is tucking into turkey, trimmings and triple tipples? and don't even get me started on slim line tonics! who in the hell seriously believes you can get a diet water? i mean please! anyway, so im still attempting to ignore my reflection. though cannot help noticing that when my stomach moves it looks remarkably like a lava lamp! ooh! ooh! ooh! hot! hot! hot! no wonder i end up looking like an overcooked lobster i should really test the heat of the water before i sit down!



a sip of wine and i disappear under the water lying their daydreaming in the eerie quietness of my surroundings. i love being under water, it provides such a stillness i cant help but let out a deep sigh and allow my head to slowly empty. all stresses, worries and so called important thoughts disappear and i am left with a contented feeling of pure euphoria! how is it something so simple can right all the wrongs so easily? then remembering i have to raise my head to breathe i reluctantly start to push myself into a sitting position. now, imagine the daintiness and graceful moves of the aquatic world. how even the largest of the under water world glide effortlessly from one place to another, sliding under the waves appearing to be completely weightless. then picture if you will, me. dainty? no! graceful? errm i doubt it! weightless? hah! i think not!



i bend my legs and go to push myself upright into a sitting position, but i cant! i am stuck! my back has somehow suctioned itself to the bottom of the bath! how on earth did that happen? im sure there is some kind of scientific reasoning behind how and why i had suddenly become pinned by my own body to the bottom of the bath! i however, have my own theory! i believe that my wibbly wobbly bits created air pockets under the water and when i had tried to move these pockets had created suction pads that literally stuck me to the ceramic floor! so after thinking about this i realise i have no choice but to heave myself straight upwards up and out of the water, ouch! wow that hurt! i stumble out of the bath and this time have no intention of trying to dodge the mirrors. i turn round and already i have a massive purple circle appearing on my back. that's going to be some bruise! talk about your beached whale! i was a big bruised, lobster coloured, lava lamp imitating, fatty! is there any possibility i could feel any more attractive right now??!!

then the unthinkable happened! as if those previous events were not enough to break my beautiful, stress free state of mind. i turn around, swing the towel around me and in the process knock over my glass of wine!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

puke and paranoia

"do you have a clue what you are doing mum?" that is the accusing look in my childs eyes. she has just thrown up all over the floor somehow managing to produce far more fruit yogurt than she had actually eaten! she gasps for air gives out a little whimper and as i rush around changing her and wiping the floor, (which by the way was long over due anyway) she eyes me with that look! is it disappointment or am i just paranoid?

its normal for babies to have the odd sicky moment i know, but when i have been the cause of it i find myself questioning my abilities and it rocks me to the core! what have i done? how on earth did i possibly assume i could actually be a responsible adult and look after something so precious? am i just kidding myself thinking i could be a good mother? what have i let this poor child in for? these moments of paranoid questioning do not happen very often but when they do, i, as always go completely overboard! i worry myself stupid and spend the day feeling quite sick and i can assure you i reach severe drama queen status! how or why this happens im not too sure. before i had imogen i was a stress free, laid back, what will be will be kind of girl. though maybe ive just answered my own question - that was before i had her!

so what was the cause of this latest crisis? well as i mentioned it was a fruit yogurt. i had just finished giving imogen her lunch and was laughing at her as she gummed down her lunch with such gusto she looked the spitting image of her father. once she had finished i sat her down and went to wash up the little cup thingy yogurts come in. im a super recycler, everything gets washed and put in the recycling. i say anyone who does not bother with their blue bin is just lazy! i mean seriously, how much effort does it really take? anyway im going off on a tangent there, that could be a whole other post. where was i, yep thats it. i have walked off to wash the container and imogen has grabbed her spoon from my hand. arrgh i think she still hungry, oh well she can chew on the spoon.

BIG mistake! from the kitchen i hear these faint sounds, thats not gurgling! that gagging! i run into the living room and there she is stuffing the spoon so far down her throat that she is about to vomit! i grab the spoon and have just enough time to point her away from my rug and towards the laminate floor (easier to wipe clean). then it comes, fruit yogurt all over the floor! and as i mentioned above, somehow there was at least twice the amount coming out as there was went in! yes very clever imogen! as i change the baby and clean the floor i think to myself, why did i leave her with that spoon?! surely i should have known that it was not only a bad idea but a dangerous one too! i fully appreciate that i will not be able to wrap her in cotton wool and protect her from every pitfall in life. though when the danger seems to come from me, what chance has she got? i think im hitting drama queen status again and my baby girl is absolutely fine, but, well . . . there are just so many buts!!

so there it is, the story of my babys puke and my paranoia, will i ever learn? or do i just have to resign myself to the fact that being a parent is a continual learning curve and there will be plenty more crisis to come. oh wonderful! isnt that the best bit? knowing there are more mistakes to come? oooooh the anticipation!

i live under your floor boards

GOTCHA! bursting through my bedroom door i am again disappointed to find all my teddies in exactly the same place as before. i know they move when im not there, i am sure they come alive in private, i am positive that when that door shuts a whole world opens up and all my teddies and toys come out to play. all ive got to do is be quick enough to catch them!

as far back as i can remember i have always had a runaway imagination. i would day dream for hours about other worlds, secret organisations and hidden places. i read all of the famous five and the secret seven books, i would be the leader of a secret gang and i would stumble upon a mystery to solve. aarrrgh you think what an adorable childhood fantasy, but its not just a young girls dream. even now as a grown woman i still have the same fantastical amazing imagination i did when i was ten!

when i walk down the street i find myself looking into drains wondering what kind of secrets could be down there. i peer into the mirror trying to look past my reflection and into another space in time. i watch that advert for coca cola where you get to see behind the mechanical shell and a whole new planet comes alive! inside there are little beings making the bottle and producing the cola juice. then it falls into the draw below so the oblivious person on the other side can have his drink. its not a vending machine its a magical world! they have honestly read my mind! i love the idea of secret worlds co existing with ours, especially as we have no clue they are there! the possibilities of my imagination are endless and i sometimes become bored with my normal, mundane, human reality! in my dreams i could be anything, anything at all!

im a witch in harry potter, flying through the sky on a magical broomstick. im a pixie that dances on the roses at the bottom of your garden. im the small girl that hides in her wardrobe only to find a winter wonderland with talking animals. im a secret agent, the most sort after and best in the world. im the snowman that comes alive after you have gone to sleep and dances in the street. im the pot plant that giggles and waves at you behind your back. im one of the care bears that plays on rainbows and jumps on clouds. im a unicorn prancing through the forest and playing amongst the trees. im one of the borrowers and i live under your floorboards. i live in a different world, a special world, a magical world, a world of possiblities. i live all of this and all i have to do is dream.

im sorry, was i in your way?

you are WELCOME! i shout at the person i have just held a door open for! the same person who has just barged through without so much as a sidewards glance, let alone a thank you! what is it with people these days? are they not taught basic manners as children or do they just not remember how to be polite? things are so expensive these days, prices are constantly rising, we are in the middle of a recession and yet manners cost absolutely nothing! the words 'please' and 'thank you' are free!

when i walk down the street i make an effort to actually look where i am going. there has been the odd occasion when i have gotten distracted and bumped into someone, but on the whole i am aware of my surroundings. its the dirty looks that really get on my nerves! you bumped into me! so why are you eyeing me with that disgusted expression? im not exactly invisible! look where you are going!! is it really just me? why is it i walk twice the distance by walking from right to left instead of a straight line? why do i always have to be the one that moves out of the way? why cant i walk from A to B regardless of other people and if someone gets in my way just plough right into them? the answer to that is simple. my parents taught me manners and i remembered them!

the daily battle parents go through when attempting to navigate a pushchair around town previously escaped me, that is of course, until i had to do it myself! shop displays ready to be knocked over, isles that aren't wide enough, doors that struggle to open, evasive lifts that take ages to arrive, baby change toilets that are on the top floor of the highest building and other people! the crowds that refuse to allow you past, the sighs as you soothe your grizzly baby while standing in the line and the huffs and puffs as you take time to juggle your shopping, pushchair and purse at the till! "i am soooooooooo sorry! was I in YOUR way?"

so . . . . . . dont just stand there with a look of pity on your face. i am more than capable and absolutely fine. remember your manners, hold the door for me and i will look you in the eye, smile and say thank you x

friends and frustrations

i know when you have a child that your priorities change, hugely! you go from leaving the house on a whim to organising an army just to get a pint of milk! the statement 'pop to the shops' is long forgotten and sometimes i will go without my cuppa fix because the thought of getting imogen ready to go into town is, well, unthinkable! do i have a valid point, or am i just finding excuses for my laziness?

with a change in priorities comes a change in lifestyle and almost certainly a change in acquaintances. i am lucky to have made friends with others in a similar situation and we bounce off each other sharing the fun and frustrations of motherhood. without that support network and the texts of caring, concern and confirmation that i am a good mother, i would have fallen apart by now! however, i do find myself asking, "although i have found these new friends, where are the old ones?"

i realise that i cant join in the way i used to. that i cant stay out as late as i used to and i cant drop everything just like i used to. but, i am still here! all it would take is a little organisation and i could go to dinner with you, i could meet you for a drink and i most definitely with prior notice can find the time to visit the shops! most of all, my door is always open and you could always pop round if just for ten minutes to say 'hi, hows it going?' surely if i can find the time then so can you?

maybe its just the time of year, i do feel like im missing out? i mean i am a little miffed because i have not been invited to a single christmas party this year. well, actually that is a lie. imogen has been invited to a party at baby group and she has kindly offered to make me her plus one. probably because without me she would not get there! hah! my four month old baby has a better social life than me! wow! that is a depressing thought! hahahaha!

so thank you to the new friends and hello to the old ones. this post was inspired by a special mum who, like me wants to let her old friends know . . . we have had children, not left the planet!

egg 'n' chips for breakfast

ok so i have fallen into a serious bad habit! egg and chips for breakfast! what on earth am i doing? mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm yummy! its a weird one i know but since imogen has been born i have been getting the cravings i missed out on during pregnancy.

when i found out i was pregnant i could not wait to send russ out at three in the morning in search of curry flavoured ice cream, the anticipation of eating something strange at unusual times made my mouth water. i was literally salivating at the mere thought of it all. then suddenly i realised after about seven months that i had not had any cravings, not a single one! i had gone off certain things, to eat a crisp made me gag! you may as well have poured cooking oil down my throat and milky tea was a definite no no, but that was it, nothing, the disappointment was devastating! i will admit to eating more of certain things, lemon meringue pie for example, i could eat a whole one in a single sitting. crumpets were devoured in their hundreds and vinegar, well my chips had to swim around my plate before they went anywhere near my mouth! excessive you think, yep, that's me! so that was it, apart from the rather large portions i did not have a single craving! "hmm we are not amused!"

now imogen is 4 months old and everything is back to normal. i haven't touched a lemon meringue pie since the birth (hah! i just had an image of myself sucking on gas and air while attempting to shovel a dessert in my mouth! hehehe) anyway my chips do not have to attend swimming lessons any longer and two crumpets are more than satisfying, though you must admit they are really moreish at the best of times. so why the funny breakfast? i have no idea, reason or explanation for my morning meal. all i can say is that i wake up and the first thing i think of is getting the kettle on, making a strong cup of tea and cutting up some potatoes for my fix. that's what it is, a fix. i have an addiction, a craving, a need for egg and chips! once imogen is up, fed, entertained and having her nap, the fryer is on and the eggs are ready! by nine o'clock im a tucking into my plate of home made chips and runny eggs like i have never seen food before! i don't open the curtains until after this event because frankly i would be appalled to see someone shovel food down their throats as fast as i do!

so is this post natal cravings? is there such a thing? have i just invented a new condition? or is it all in my head? does anyone else have a mystery morning meal or am i completely on my own?

not so much a rant but a plead!

most people love christmas. the anticipation of opening presents, the joy of giving that something special, the look of amazement and excitement on childrens faces on christmas morning, meeting up with those relatives that you don't get to see often enough, the parties, the meals. all these things make christmas magical and arguably the best time of the year. . . for humans that is.

christmas is one of the worst times for animals. once the novelty wears off many pets are simply dumped by their new owners. they usually end up in animal shelters and if nobody buys them after a certain period they are killed. others simply roam the streets and get run over by traffic, starve to death or get captured for laboratories to experiment with.

i cannot stand it when i hear of people giving animals as pets for christmas! now its ok if you are a parent getting your child a cat, i assume you are intelligent enough to realise that you will be the one to take on the main responsibility for the upkeep of that animal. however, taking it upon yourself to assume that someone else is going to take care of an animal is pure stupidity! only a complete idiot would leave an animal in the care of someone who had not made the decision to keep an animal themselves. please have the brains to stop and think that maybe the reason they dont have an animal is because they dont want one, have the space for one or have the time for one??!!

this is not so much a rant, but a plead. please, please, please just stop and think! pets are not toys! they are living creatures with needs and feelings. a proper relationship with a pet is a long term one and needs a responsible and humane approach.